idk

Winner, or so it seems

But am I a winner if by the evening,

When I'm alone after the trials of the day,

I'm still crying?

I understand that reading a mind as complex as mine is a feat,

Especially because I do this fucked up thing

Where I hurt the people I love with my expectations

And as soon as you mess up don't think I won't let you know somehow

And by the way

If you think you're the first person

Who I've done this to,

You're wrong

And there's a big part of me that hates myself for doing this

and the pain I feel when I realize I've hurt people I love

and the part that hates myself fuels the anger that I burden people with

I'm still crying

The weight of things feels heavier now
The more I love you the more it hurts me sometimes
Because I worry when things like this happen you'll get sad and angry
And I'm scared that you may go home or leave me or both

I can't explain my illnesses/traumas/memories that make me this way
But it's not like you telling me how to change it is going to help
My head feels really ill sometimes and I don't think you know
There are so many bad feelings that I have learned to hold back

There are so so so many bad feelings
You know but you can't understand or imagine the kind of fear that I've had of myself
From within my own body that I've attempted to cut myself out of
The fear of this girl's return is so crippling sometimes and I wish I could show you

The feeling of not knowing yourself is common
But I'm very much less sure about fear
The feeling of being in love is common
But I'm very sure I'm so in love with you that it makes me scared

And I know I'm not the only one that feels this way sometimes
It's no excuse
You don't deserve it
I'm sorry