I Don't Sleep Much

I don't much fancy slumber
Because
Unlike most people
I do not escape
A midst the land of sheep-counters and Lunesta

Most can escape in their sleep
Lie down in a fluffy mess of comforters and pillows
Kiss their troubles good-bye
And run away
To make believe places
For hours on end
Even the lucid dreamers
Or the snoring sillies
But not me
Insomnia is in my blood

Small reminders of the pain are everywhere
They visit me in my nocturnal hours

The flick of the heating system is accented by the memory of you
Realizing that my most affectionate lovers are my mechanical pencil and derivative formula sheet
Knowing that within these walls are the only comforts I can depend on
Which include a midnight snack of baby carrots and earl grey
The caffeine, one of the many drugs that cannot numb the pain
Because the marijuana and the alcohol only remind me
Of the sloppy nights where we pretended to love each other
And the darkness outside is the darkness you walked me to my door in
Where you kissed me
And this music
This beautiful music...
You played it for me
And the glitches in my computer stop the song
And I am left again
In the silence
Of the night
Until I am too exhausted
Too the point where even an insomniac
Can rest
And then I dream.

It's Stupid, really

I feel
So much like a child

When I read over old text messages that sit, without purpose but for me to dwell on, in the phone you touched

Old Tumblr posts that I only wrote in hopes that you would see and realize you were in love with me (or something

Old poems and letters that I wrote in my notes section on my phone, that eventually, either sobered up and were never sent or were sent with tears and no reply

It's stupid

I'm not over it.

I still wish for your name to light up on my screen
If it did,
I know I would immediately "slide to unlock" and reply
In a manner that would make it impossible
For our conversation not to carry on

Opportunities and people
Pass me by,
But I just watch
It isn't what I want

I want you

I want summer

I want car rides at night

Trying to catch your hand as it moved your stick shift

I want to remember the feeling

Of not caring what anyone else thought

Because when I was with you

You were all that mattered

I want un-bitten nails and fingers

I want forehead kisses

I want awkward sleepovers while my dad pretends not to noticed

I want the carefree attitude I used to know

I don't want to be anxious anymore

I don't want to be sad

I don't want to dwell on this

I don't want to keep pretending that I'm over it when I'm not

I just want to kiss you

Once more

To maybe remind you

That what it was

I hope it was special

And this
This is a poem
Wrote
But never published

What I never understood

It never made sense to me
That in order to be able to love someone else
And really love him
I had to be happy
By myself

It never made sense to me
That in order to be happy
And really happy
I have to give up
All the things that upset me

It never made sense to me
That the things that upset me
And I mean really upset me
Are the things
That used to bring me so much joy

It never made sense to me
How the things that brought me joy
And brought me joy in times of sadness
Are the things
That hurt me the most

It never made sense to me
That the things that hurt me the most
And really hurt me the most
Are the things
That love me the most

It never made sense to me
That the things that love me the most
And really love me
Are the things
That I can never become dependent on

Because the life we live, it never pauses, there's no remote, no rewind, and no fast forward; only play

And in the end, you're on your own.

The Words

The words
They came
The words I never thought you'd say
The one
Who could never hurt me enough
Finally did
The one
Who I thought would always be here
Wasn't
The thing
That I thought I could I could always depend on
Ran away
And those words
"Nothing in common anymore"
Stabbed me
Like a knife
In my chest
And as if
Those weren't enough
"Nothing will be the same"
That twisted the knife
Clockwise
In five of the biggest circles
I have ever felt
And I just cried
I sobbed
I shook
The blood
Gone from my hands
Leaving my fingers
Cold as ice
Unable to feel
Numb
Gone
Dead
Without
My best friend
So many heartbreaks
So much hurting
All the pain
You got me through
Countless hours
And text messages
Pointless
I guess
Nothing more
Are they worth
Now that we are two
And not one
This friendship
That we have built upon
Now crumbles
To the ground
Making a terrible sound
As it hits the floor
And that sound
Hurts my heart
I'm sad
And upset
And broken
And the person who I want to talk to
Who I want to confide in
Who I want to vent with
Is you
And I cannot
Because I want so badly
To be let back in
But you won't
Open the door.

Fall

A fear of reaching out
Spikes a chain reaction
Making it too difficult
To let anyone in

Being inside,
And being the only one inside,
It becomes lonely
Very quickly,
Like a spiral slide,
Sliding down,
With nothing to grab onto
And no way of stopping.

Everyone can tell me,
We love you,
You're gonna be okay,
I'm here for you.

But when I get to that place,
Down at the bottom of that dark, deep hole,
The comforting words are muffled by screams
Screams for help,
The help that never comes,
Because the desperate cries are too loud for me to hear,
What I need.

I tell them to quiet down,
I want to hear what I so long for,
But unless I can cut myself open
And tear out the screeches,
I am stuck.
I am alone.
I am lost.

But then when I do get there,
After not cutting open,
But just climbing over the shrieks,
I can see a stream of light coming over the edge,
And it's warm on my face

But a cloud passes by,
And I try to explain how,
Why
I plunged into that deep, dark, place
That cloud becomes a rain,
And I try to give more reason,
But the rain becomes a hurricane,
And my thoughts and statements become jumbled,
As the wind whips them around
And rearranges them,
So that they make no sense to neither you, nor I.

Then, finally, as soon as I think the rain will never pass,
It does.
It leaves my hands trembling,
My face, sore with tears,
The salty taste on my lips.
I have risen from this sea of sadness,
And I begin walking on this shore of recovery.
"I'm sorry" is written in the sand.
The shells whisper words of forgiveness.
The sun kisses me and tells me it's okay,
So I begin to run.
I run and run and run,
Away from the storm,
From the hole,
From the darkness,
From the depth,
And I reach the end of the shore,
Where the shore turns to dirt.

I walk on the dirt road,
Miles and Miles,
Across hills, mountains, valleys, plains,
Then I get there.
To another pier,
Where I see the dark hole,
Swirling below me,
Begging for me to dive in.

Disease

The absolute worst thing I have ever had to encounter,
Whether it be through me or through someone else
Is a disease,
A sickness,
A disorder,
An illness,
Anything wrong,
Physically,
That cannot be treated.
The worst thing is
Knowing.
Knowing,
But being able to do
Nothing.
Being able to do nothing.
Being incapable of doing
Anything.
Anything.
Anything could happen.
It could turn into
"Oh it's nothing."
Nothing.
Or it could turn into
"Nothing can fix this."
Giving up.
That's it.
The End.
No happily-ever-after.
Here and forever after,
Hurting.
Losing my best friend.
That's the worst thing.
That's what can't happen.
If it does,
I die.

Habits

I find myself,

Everyday,

Developing new habits that I just don't understand.

I am constantly tapping my foot,

Waiting for something to happen,

Anxious,

Like an atom bomb is going to hit me,

Or the next apocalypse is going to start any minute,

Or something else that's very very very bad..

I am always picking at the skin around my fingers,

Never biting my nails,

Always biting my skin.

I have cuts and scabs all around my nail beds.

They keep me company while I endure the AP classes and standardized exams.

I just always thinking about failing at life,

So I bite myself,

Hoping if I bite hard enough, I can go numb.

I go to school,

Stay after everyday for rehearsal,

Come home,

Eat dinner,

Clean,

Do productive things...

Then sleep,

sleep,

sleep.

At about 1, I wake up,

I do my homework.

I stay up until the wee hours of the morning,

Then go to school.

It seems strange but it's working.

I miss you,

I miss you a lot.

It's stupid, I know.

I check your Twitter, and your Facebook...

Then I remind myself that isn't what I should be doing.

I think of you.

I know I like you.

I know I want you to be mine.

But if I miss (fore mentioned character),

I don't want you yet,

And waiting is so hard,

But I will.

Unfortunately I feel as if these are cycles I go through,

Everyday.

Get anxious,

Go home,

Escape,

Wake up,

Get depressed,

Get happy,

Sleep,

Wake up,

Get anxious,

Go home,

Escape,

Wake up,

Get depressed,

Get happy,

Sleep....

and so on.

How do I break out?

Excitement

Oh to be feeling that rush,
Of liking something new,
Similar to when you were young,
And it was Christmas,
And there was a big box underneath the tree,
And there were six cursive letters that made up your name,
And when you tore open that metallic, crinkly wrapping paper,
You saw the item that was on the top of your wish list,
And it was so exciting..

That's how I felt with you the other night.

We had a lovely time.
You helped me to be distracted from the hurting
That I have felt so much recently.
We walked around our quiet little town,
And you broke in your new striped shoes,
And I wore the crewneck that I bought when I was at a concert with you,
Then of course I hadn't known how grand you are.

We were laughing, talking, playing, just...being goofy.
It's something I haven't done in a while with a boy.
We walked and walked and opened up about the things that we feel,
You are a boy...who has feelings.
That's something I have never experienced with a boy.

You're so happy,
And carefree,
Easily pleased and amused.
It makes me happy to see you smile.

We talked about our sadness,
The anxiety and all.
In a bittersweet kinda way,
It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone,
That someone else has the same freaky mannerisms
That I do,
That my silly fears,
Aren't so silly to someone else,
That finally,
Someone else actually understands the ins and outs,
And that actually,
There is someone else out there,
Who might like me
Who is capable of facing their problems
And doesn't run away from them..
Who doesn't run away from me...
Leaving me thinking that I did something wrong,
But without explanation.

It was so fun,
To walk with you in the mist,
And it was so pleasantly refreshing,
When the rain started pouring.
We ran to your car,
And we laughed,
And we hopped in,
Breathing heavily and our noses runny.
Against our wet skin we felt the cool fall air,
And the windows got steamy as we sat.

We were innocent.
We drew pictures with our fingers,
And made up sound effects to narrate our illustrations.
You gave me a high five,
And we almost held hands,
And we giggled.
And it was nice.
I liked it...
I knew I was beginning to like you.

We drove home with the windows down.
It was a little past one.
You told me you had fun.
I told you I had fun.
We leaned over the weird box thing,
That sits between the driver and passenger's seat,
And hugged that awkward hug,
And said goodnight.

I knew, that I liked you.
I know that I want you for my own now.
I know I want you to be my best friend.

Nostalgia

Driving by
That place,
A quaint little field,
In the middle of a quiet subdivision,
Near the local high school,
The night of July 3rd,
After the fireworks,
We drove there,
Where you kissed me on my lips
Where you kissed me on my forehead
You took my hand
You laid with me
On the back of your car
We watched the stars
We spoke
Words
You told me amazing things,
And I told you the things,
I never thought
You could understand
But you did
Or so
I thought

We laughed
We enjoyed the company
Of the fireflies
Dancing in the tall grass
We breathed in the cool, humid, sweet summer air
Filled with questions and fears,
Feeling the paranoia run across our skin,
Leaving goose bumps.
Not knowing
What the future holds.
Or at least
I didn't

You told me things
I didn't expect to know
And you showed me things
I didn't expect to see
I learned so much from you and
About you that
I thought this would have to last.
There was no way that it couldn't..
But I was completely and utterly mistaken,
It turns out.

So driving by
That place
Yes
It hurts
Pangs in my chest
It burns my throat
Stings my lips
Scorches my hands
And I want to cry
Because I know
Nothing will be the same
With you
Ever again
But I don't miss you
Necessarily
I just miss
What we had
And how we loved

Medicine

These words aren't mine,

But they are absolutely beautiful.

 Medicine

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
Medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

You could still be,
what you want to.
What you said you were,
when I met you.
when you met me.
when I met you.

Ooooooooo...
Ooooooooo...

Apologies

Recently, I've found myself being drawn to writing poetry on this blog. That isn't all I'm going to be doing here, though, to the five or so of you who actually read this. Tonight, I want to apologize to anyone who I've hurt.

 I'm sorry for how I treated you, if that was how I hurt you. 

I'm sorry if I just wasn't what you needed at the time and if I caused more harm than good. 

I'm sorry if I was petty and rude. I didn't mean for those words to be seen by you. 

I'm sorry that I can't make myself love you.

I'm sorry that I keep coming back.

I'm sorry for not stopping myself from liking you.

I'm sorry for letting stupid things getting to me and taking it out on you.

I'm sorry for blowing that situation out of proportion, when it wasn't all your fault.

I'm sorry that I kissed him. I know you liked him and that wasn't okay.

I'm sorry that I can't be as good of a friend as you are to me.

I'm sorry that I can probably never be the same person that I was before I turned bad.

I'm sorry I turned bad.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I do all these stupid things with good intentions and not realize that it's all wrong.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so sorry for everything, and I just want for everything to be okay.

Everything is okay right now, but I want for people to know that I'm making an effort.

I want to be happy.

I am happy,

But I want it to stay this time.

I want to free my conscience, but also be at peace with others around me.

So,

Again,

I'm sorry.

Confusion

Words
But no words
Not naming things
To be without periods
Without end
Searching for meaning
But not searching for answers
To define
Without a label
Discovery
Self-exploration
Outward expansion
But not exactly
Because not knowing
But knowing that I don't know
Not caring
But caring enough to know that I should
Which goes back to knowing
None of which I do
Or I don't
I just don't know
Or I do
It's a spiral

I don't understand.

Seeing your face,
Receiving contact,
Knowing that you're out there,
Living,
Still going,
Just like me.
It killed me.
How can two snapchats from you
Make me cry?
You didn't even say anything significant.
You didn't even say my name.
You seem so uninterested.
Why is it upsetting me so much?
How am I crying right now?
How was I,
Last night,
Able to say,
"I'm over it."
"It's done."
"It doesn't matter."
And now,
I'm alone
In my room
Crying over you still.
I just don't understand.

True happiness

There are so many reasons to be happy; so many things to share. Happiness is always much better when shared with others. I'm going to share the things I'm happy about at this current moment.

• Being able to serve for Anna Purna 
• Helping to feed the less fortunate who cannot feed themselves
• Beautiful people who are willing to take their time to do true service
• Having the blessing of practicing spirituality with people who don't judge and who understand this new and terrifying journey
• Emptying negativity through service for others
• Coming home and being able to spread the positive feelings I've gained
• Basking in the glory of generosity 
• Appreciating gorgeous music 

I just want to take a seperate moment to appreciate the fact that I feel content for the first time in a long time, just being by myself without anxiety getting to me and ruining everything.

I truly do feel as if I've found the source of being at peace with myself.

Unanswered questions; to no one in particular

If you knew that you were going to treat your children this way, would you have had us to begin with?

Do you still think about me?

I'm not saying I want to, but if I did call you in a time of panic, would you actually answer me?

Were you planning on pursuing me before you saw my writing?

Are you interested in me at all?

Would you be willing to try this out?

Are you okay with just being my friend?

Am I still in love with you?

Have I ever even been in love?

Am I important at all?

Is my sadness significant to you or do you not care?

Do you mean anything that you said to me?

Ever?

Why do you still talk to me?

What was going through your head when you kissed me?

Did you mean to take advantage of me?

Do you realize that's what you did?

Do you think you get it?

Do you actually think you understand me?

Are you talking to me because I'm interesting or because you actually care?

Do you hate me?

Do you think I'm a bad person?

Do you think I'm a slut?

Is it bad that I never say no?

Why do I always put other people before myself?

Why is other people's happiness more important than my morals?

Why do I feel the need to be high all the time?

How can I be the daughter that you wanted?

Have you ever wanted to run away from here because of me?

When will you accept me for who I am?

Why can't I do that too?

When will someone love me again the way you did?

Vicious Cycle

Being upset causes me to be upset. I absolutely hate wasting my time having negative feelings towards things when I could be spending my time wisely and enjoying myself. I just can't pretend to be happy anymore either. I used to be able to, but now it just isn't worth the effort. Unfortunately, this makes my sadness or anger noticeable. People will then start to ask me what's wrong and try to help, but I feel like lately I just don't want anyone's help. Scratch that. I want the help of one specific person. I might not know who that person is at the time, but I know that if I talk with them that I will feel better. Again, sometimes I know who this person is. Other times, I don't. Lately, it's always a boy, and particularly, whichever boy I'm interested in romantically at the time. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic. I should be able to either deal with my problems myself or accept help from someone that isn't a potential partner. The fact that the words of my friends are much less significant to me just because they can't give me affection the same way a boyfriend can really makes me upset. And that makes me upset. And here we go in a vicious cycle.

Bhakti & Karma Yoga

   Tonight, I had my first introduction to the Unschool of Yoga, which is named so because of the fact that putting words to our connections while in the presence of our inner spirit would ruin the whole experience. I'm the youngest in the class, by far. I have speculation that the next oldest person is around the age of 20, and some of my classmates and my instructor were speaking of grandchildren, so you can imagine the variety of the room. It was, however, mostly middle aged women. I had some discomfort originally as we had not started out on a good foot (no pun intended) when my mom walked right into the sacred space with her chunky, black high heels. I felt rather anxious in comparison to many of the 2nd and 3rd year students and I'm hoping that eventually, I'll be able to sit in the room with as much ease as they can. I'm so excited and curious to go on a new journey with myself. I think this year is going to be very eye opening for me. I'm getting much farther involved in my creative abilities with writing and not limiting myself so much to what I've always known. I've always been a person of habit, so trying these new things is very eye opening and to be honest, discomforting. I think it'll be okay though, because I have the wonderful people whom I've just met today to help me along. I hope that my gradual personality change is reflected through my writing as well, so that later I can reflect on all of these posts and see my struggle and success. That's why from now on, I don't care what I say, I'm not deleting a post. I'm sorry if I end up hurting someone, though I will try not to, but I must be able to see tangible proof of my growth as a human striving to serve the truth.

We all worked together to make this little guy up here. I did the eyes. :)

At peace

Finally reaching that moment,
Realizing,
That it doesn't matter anymore.
There is no reason to hurt,
No reason to cry,
No reason to lament over the broken things,
No point in holding on to something that wasn't meant to be.

I understand.

I need something new,
Invigorating,
Fresh,
Fantastic,
I deserve it.
I deserve to be happy.

I don't know why I didn't think I did before.

I think it really is true,
That for things to start going right,
They first have to go absolutely wrong.

That's okay.

My life went haywire.
I dodged some bullets,
Avoided some crises,
And here I am,
Still living,
Still breathing,
Still trucking along.

Guess what? I feel fucking fabulous.

You get it

Summer goes,

Affection leaves,

Autumn comes,

Leaves bring new things,

A boy who has been hurt one too many times,

He hasn't loved in years,

But why does he want my lips

On his?

I want to reach out,

I want to hold him,

I want to let him in,

But he's a challenge that I don't know

If I can bear the hardships that will come along.

It just felt very right,
Last Saturday night,
In my bedroom underneath my Christmas lights,
To be kissing your lips,

To be holding your hands,

To be talking about hurting with someone who gets it.

You get it,

I think.

You're no exception

It's Friday.
It's 4:14 a.m.
My heart hurts because the words you said
At 11:35 last night
Punched me in my heart.
You told me
I won't ignore you.
You can talk to me.
Please don't be upset.
Because you knew that I was healing my wounds too.
You know some of the most awful pain
From the love in your past.
That one girl, she hurt you really badly.
I've never known love such as that.
I'm sorry she hurt you.
I'm sorry you need her.
Despite how short of a time this has been happening,
I wanted you while my heart was feeling meager.
I'm sorry that I felt as if I needed you.
But I needed you yesterday.
Not only were you not there,
But when I begged, you said
no.
Now
I know
If it was something serious,
I wouldn't have you.
They always leave in the end.
You're no exception.



That doesn't change the fact that I still blame myself for everything.

~j.j.b.~

I love meeting new groups of people. It's so invigorating. I always get so trapped in the sense that the people whom I interact with on a daily basis are the only people in the world. It's so refreshing to know that there are so many wonderful and absolutely fabulous people out there. I love the introductions, despite their awkwardness. It's so intriguing to be able to observe someone within the first five minutes of meeting them, and try to look into their life and experiences based on what they're doing. It could be anything.

Sitting criss-crossed instead of laying on the tummy while in the park.
(It's because they feel insecure about their tushy or legs, so they're trying to hide it by sitting in a funny position)

Biting nails before ordering food
(It's because they have anxiety, and they worry every single time they have to do anything involving asking someone they don't know, personally, to serve them in some sort of way)

Licking lips before getting ready to say words
(Their lips are chapped from staying out in the cold with their lover a little too long the night before)

Looking embarrassed after saying something just a teensy bit too loud
(They've always been bashful about how loud they laugh and speak, but no matter how hard they try, they can't help but stop it)

Staring in the distance, just zoning, after herbal refreshments
(They get high, everyday. They love to be out of touch with reality because the world they live in is too cruel for their sensitive feelings and everything gets them upset)

It's not judgement. It's curiosity. It's explanation. It's analyzing. I do it all the time and some people think it's fab and others utterly despise me for it. I find people fascinating...that's why I love to meet all the new ones. 

(I also like to remember their names at least but for some reason lately that hasn't been happening)

peace out.

Morning Glory

I love the morning.
I love to wake up in the wee hours of dawn,
When the house is quiet,
     Peaceful,
         Serene.
When I can quietly listen to the enchanting voices of the artists whom I love,
When I can contemplate important questions and the meaning of life,
When I can sip my coffee at my kitchen table and eat my strawberries, by myself,
When I can get the alone time I so desperately need,

Morning is a constant, I am a variable, and depending on the change of x, I can either be feeling absolutely fabulous or utterly awful.

Today I'm feeling wonderful.

Because we all need a little self-reflecting,
And we all need a little perspective.

That perspective is the only thing that can save me.
(not to be melodramatic, but it's trooooooooo)


~j.j.b.~

For the record.

   I really love this so far. I love being able to vent to someone or something using the most wonderful tools in the world; words. I know I might write about words being evil, or about words being demons, but I honestly love that about them. Words can be the most powerful thing in the world. They explain everything...whether or not you have found the right words to explain something is completely different, of course. Anyways, I just know that these words are seamed together in a very careful manner as to get my thoughts across to whoever reads this. (I know there's somebody because I can see page view numbers) I want for you, reader, to know that I'm not just writing here for my own good. I'm writing here to share my views and thoughts on so many things and to try to go on a little bit of a journey. I do want to see how I'm improving as a writer because I really do love to write. But I also want to get my thoughts moving more than they do. I want to grow.

Let's grow together.