10 years

The word grief is too small
to embody the woes that flow
out of my fingernails as
my hands grab and dig
into my pillowcase while I scream
but I know you can't hear me.

I don't even know if you're there
and that's what hurts me
because what has kept me going
is knowing that you were still becoming
something
even though you left us.

That somewhere in Heaven or whatever it is,
you're bowling with your friends.
and I know you're probably cooking a lot
and I'm so sorry I can't be there to help
but I hope I get to eat with you again some day.
Holding hands to pray isn't as irritating now..

But what hurts is I think maybe
you would want to be here
which is why not knowing if you're still there
is so scary because
if you're gone and like, really gone...
what do I do?

Knowing you was knowing you forever.
Everything about you was perfect
and all of us needed you.
And I'm sorry if it didn't seem so at the time
because really I was still so young,
just always looking forward to what came next.