Excitement

Oh to be feeling that rush,
Of liking something new,
Similar to when you were young,
And it was Christmas,
And there was a big box underneath the tree,
And there were six cursive letters that made up your name,
And when you tore open that metallic, crinkly wrapping paper,
You saw the item that was on the top of your wish list,
And it was so exciting..

That's how I felt with you the other night.

We had a lovely time.
You helped me to be distracted from the hurting
That I have felt so much recently.
We walked around our quiet little town,
And you broke in your new striped shoes,
And I wore the crewneck that I bought when I was at a concert with you,
Then of course I hadn't known how grand you are.

We were laughing, talking, playing, just...being goofy.
It's something I haven't done in a while with a boy.
We walked and walked and opened up about the things that we feel,
You are a boy...who has feelings.
That's something I have never experienced with a boy.

You're so happy,
And carefree,
Easily pleased and amused.
It makes me happy to see you smile.

We talked about our sadness,
The anxiety and all.
In a bittersweet kinda way,
It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone,
That someone else has the same freaky mannerisms
That I do,
That my silly fears,
Aren't so silly to someone else,
That finally,
Someone else actually understands the ins and outs,
And that actually,
There is someone else out there,
Who might like me
Who is capable of facing their problems
And doesn't run away from them..
Who doesn't run away from me...
Leaving me thinking that I did something wrong,
But without explanation.

It was so fun,
To walk with you in the mist,
And it was so pleasantly refreshing,
When the rain started pouring.
We ran to your car,
And we laughed,
And we hopped in,
Breathing heavily and our noses runny.
Against our wet skin we felt the cool fall air,
And the windows got steamy as we sat.

We were innocent.
We drew pictures with our fingers,
And made up sound effects to narrate our illustrations.
You gave me a high five,
And we almost held hands,
And we giggled.
And it was nice.
I liked it...
I knew I was beginning to like you.

We drove home with the windows down.
It was a little past one.
You told me you had fun.
I told you I had fun.
We leaned over the weird box thing,
That sits between the driver and passenger's seat,
And hugged that awkward hug,
And said goodnight.

I knew, that I liked you.
I know that I want you for my own now.
I know I want you to be my best friend.

Nostalgia

Driving by
That place,
A quaint little field,
In the middle of a quiet subdivision,
Near the local high school,
The night of July 3rd,
After the fireworks,
We drove there,
Where you kissed me on my lips
Where you kissed me on my forehead
You took my hand
You laid with me
On the back of your car
We watched the stars
We spoke
Words
You told me amazing things,
And I told you the things,
I never thought
You could understand
But you did
Or so
I thought

We laughed
We enjoyed the company
Of the fireflies
Dancing in the tall grass
We breathed in the cool, humid, sweet summer air
Filled with questions and fears,
Feeling the paranoia run across our skin,
Leaving goose bumps.
Not knowing
What the future holds.
Or at least
I didn't

You told me things
I didn't expect to know
And you showed me things
I didn't expect to see
I learned so much from you and
About you that
I thought this would have to last.
There was no way that it couldn't..
But I was completely and utterly mistaken,
It turns out.

So driving by
That place
Yes
It hurts
Pangs in my chest
It burns my throat
Stings my lips
Scorches my hands
And I want to cry
Because I know
Nothing will be the same
With you
Ever again
But I don't miss you
Necessarily
I just miss
What we had
And how we loved

Medicine

These words aren't mine,

But they are absolutely beautiful.

 Medicine

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
Medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

You could still be,
what you want to.
What you said you were,
when I met you.
when you met me.
when I met you.

Ooooooooo...
Ooooooooo...

Apologies

Recently, I've found myself being drawn to writing poetry on this blog. That isn't all I'm going to be doing here, though, to the five or so of you who actually read this. Tonight, I want to apologize to anyone who I've hurt.

 I'm sorry for how I treated you, if that was how I hurt you. 

I'm sorry if I just wasn't what you needed at the time and if I caused more harm than good. 

I'm sorry if I was petty and rude. I didn't mean for those words to be seen by you. 

I'm sorry that I can't make myself love you.

I'm sorry that I keep coming back.

I'm sorry for not stopping myself from liking you.

I'm sorry for letting stupid things getting to me and taking it out on you.

I'm sorry for blowing that situation out of proportion, when it wasn't all your fault.

I'm sorry that I kissed him. I know you liked him and that wasn't okay.

I'm sorry that I can't be as good of a friend as you are to me.

I'm sorry that I can probably never be the same person that I was before I turned bad.

I'm sorry I turned bad.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I do all these stupid things with good intentions and not realize that it's all wrong.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so sorry for everything, and I just want for everything to be okay.

Everything is okay right now, but I want for people to know that I'm making an effort.

I want to be happy.

I am happy,

But I want it to stay this time.

I want to free my conscience, but also be at peace with others around me.

So,

Again,

I'm sorry.

Confusion

Words
But no words
Not naming things
To be without periods
Without end
Searching for meaning
But not searching for answers
To define
Without a label
Discovery
Self-exploration
Outward expansion
But not exactly
Because not knowing
But knowing that I don't know
Not caring
But caring enough to know that I should
Which goes back to knowing
None of which I do
Or I don't
I just don't know
Or I do
It's a spiral

I don't understand.

Seeing your face,
Receiving contact,
Knowing that you're out there,
Living,
Still going,
Just like me.
It killed me.
How can two snapchats from you
Make me cry?
You didn't even say anything significant.
You didn't even say my name.
You seem so uninterested.
Why is it upsetting me so much?
How am I crying right now?
How was I,
Last night,
Able to say,
"I'm over it."
"It's done."
"It doesn't matter."
And now,
I'm alone
In my room
Crying over you still.
I just don't understand.

True happiness

There are so many reasons to be happy; so many things to share. Happiness is always much better when shared with others. I'm going to share the things I'm happy about at this current moment.

• Being able to serve for Anna Purna 
• Helping to feed the less fortunate who cannot feed themselves
• Beautiful people who are willing to take their time to do true service
• Having the blessing of practicing spirituality with people who don't judge and who understand this new and terrifying journey
• Emptying negativity through service for others
• Coming home and being able to spread the positive feelings I've gained
• Basking in the glory of generosity 
• Appreciating gorgeous music 

I just want to take a seperate moment to appreciate the fact that I feel content for the first time in a long time, just being by myself without anxiety getting to me and ruining everything.

I truly do feel as if I've found the source of being at peace with myself.