$

is it a proper definition
to call it depression
if every problem could be solved by a couple thousand dollars

idk

Winner, or so it seems

But am I a winner if by the evening,

When I'm alone after the trials of the day,

I'm still crying?

I understand that reading a mind as complex as mine is a feat,

Especially because I do this fucked up thing

Where I hurt the people I love with my expectations

And as soon as you mess up don't think I won't let you know somehow

And by the way

If you think you're the first person

Who I've done this to,

You're wrong

And there's a big part of me that hates myself for doing this

and the pain I feel when I realize I've hurt people I love

and the part that hates myself fuels the anger that I burden people with

I'm still crying

The weight of things feels heavier now
The more I love you the more it hurts me sometimes
Because I worry when things like this happen you'll get sad and angry
And I'm scared that you may go home or leave me or both

I can't explain my illnesses/traumas/memories that make me this way
But it's not like you telling me how to change it is going to help
My head feels really ill sometimes and I don't think you know
There are so many bad feelings that I have learned to hold back

There are so so so many bad feelings
You know but you can't understand or imagine the kind of fear that I've had of myself
From within my own body that I've attempted to cut myself out of
The fear of this girl's return is so crippling sometimes and I wish I could show you

The feeling of not knowing yourself is common
But I'm very much less sure about fear
The feeling of being in love is common
But I'm very sure I'm so in love with you that it makes me scared

And I know I'm not the only one that feels this way sometimes
It's no excuse
You don't deserve it
I'm sorry

I really, really love you

I love it when your smell sticks to my clothes
After a long evening's sleep
Held close in your arms, wrapped around me like a blanket
I slowly stir and kiss you good-bye, knowing we will soon be reunited
(Because I can't bear to be away from you longer than a few hours)

I stroll back to my abode in the morning fog and dew
I wash away your smell,
But the places that you have touched are still glowing
I'm filled with satisfaction and the warmth of affection,
This warmth being hotter in temperature than water could ever be,
Because then it would turn into steam

I paint my face, knowing that you love it both ways
And there's nothing like seeing you after just a bit,
Because I can see it in the light of your face,
Like looking in a mirror
The feeling of love,
The feeling that you give me

I often feel these moments when we embrace
And somehow, I know that you know
And maybe you know that I know,
But we both know that this is what we are meant for
Together
And somehow, for the first time,
I'm at peace

And someday, many years from now
I can only hope and pray
We will have rings that bind us, inscribed with the Nikes emblem on the inside
Because when I watched you cry to that song,
I don't think there is anyone that I could love more

We Are All Mothers

We are all mothers in some shape or form, because we are women.
Not every mother has a child, but every child has a mother.
A teacher, a coach, a nurse, a supervisor, a friend.
The mothers in our lives are masters at the gift of giving.
But as a mother and as a woman, I am familiar with this cycle of giving,
The cycle that leaves us with little but the satisfaction of knowing we gave to others,
But as mothers, we feel that satisfaction is more than enough.

The acts that are expected of mothers are the kindest and most selfless.
The gratitude that mothers receive is not.
Still, we continue to prepare nourishment, wash mistakes off our loved ones' clothes,
Bathe the young, work for a less valuable dollar, but never ask for more, like those who are not mothers do.
The expectations are heavy responsibilities,
But we fulfill them because we know the weight of these responsibilities,
And we would never wish this weight upon anyone else,
So we do it ourselves and expect nothing in return,
Not because nothing is generally what we would receive (either way),
But because knowing relieving our kin from this burden is the best reward we could receive.

Although I do not have a child, nor do I feel the desire to carry one,
I still feel the fire that ignites the flame of motherhood.
The most heartbreaking thing that I have come to realize as my mother's child,
Is that no matter how much I do for my mother, how many times I call her, how often I think of her or how much I claim to love her,
The love that my mother has for me could never be matched by anything in this universe.
The combination of this ceaseless struggle and the perpetual will to give is the meaning of motherhood.

The current mission that we should all seek to complete is the perpetual opportunity to give as our mothers have given to us.
Because no matter how persistently we try, we cannot give to our mothers the way they have given.
What they have taught us is how we can all be mothers and care for others the way that they have cared for us.
Being a mother can be a thankless job, however this frustration, as we have learned from our own mothers, pales in comparison to the amount of love we can give and all the lives we can touch.
We can all be mothers.

How to make someone believe that their life is worth living

How can I help you understand
The beauty that I see
When I look at you?

What can I do
To make you realize
That your spirit radiates a child-like energy that simply cannot be replaced?

What can I give you
To make you feel as loved as you actually are
Even if you don't always feel it?

How am I supposed to tell you
That the pain that you feel is so valid
But it doesn't make you as weak as you feel, and that you are strong?

What can I do but listen?
To the horrors of your past
And do my best to assist you in finding a better environment for your future?

Who must I introduce you to
In order for you to truly comprehend
That this boy who says he loves you really doesn't?

How do I persuade you
To take the necessary and incredibly difficult steps
To free yourself of this crippling addiction?

What do I say
To convince you that there are so many people
That would be devastated and broken if you were gone?

What will make you see
That there is so much promise in your future
And that your current mistakes will not stop you from achieving?

How can I approach you
When the words you use to express your feelings about life
Make me feel like you have already given up?

How am I supposed to try to make you believe
That your life
Is worth living?

There could be something more than this

A hamster wheel
That's how some of the world sees America
And I can feel it
While I'm in it

I'm happy with my life and my productivity
But am I only happy, because this is all that I know?
Could there be
Something more than this?

From what I understand,
I'm doing everything right.
Going to school, making money, contributing to society,
But is this the only kind of right?

When I am told,
That maybe, just maybe,
I was born in the wrong place
I wonder what the world could hold for me

All this time
I have held such gratitude
For the fact that I was born
Into this land of "opportunity'

But I'm now realizing
That this opportunity that I have been presented
Is not just my opportunity
It is opportunity that is benefiting someone who only wants to benefit himself

The opportunity
Is the opportunity to always spend my life
Trying to get ahead of someone
Who is benefiting from my trying - it never ends

I want to explore
and I want to know
What could be beyond

1/25/18

We have thousands of little brilliant thoughts that flicker and fleet every second of everyday

There's something about you that makes me want to know
All of yours