Disease

The absolute worst thing I have ever had to encounter,
Whether it be through me or through someone else
Is a disease,
A sickness,
A disorder,
An illness,
Anything wrong,
Physically,
That cannot be treated.
The worst thing is
Knowing.
Knowing,
But being able to do
Nothing.
Being able to do nothing.
Being incapable of doing
Anything.
Anything.
Anything could happen.
It could turn into
"Oh it's nothing."
Nothing.
Or it could turn into
"Nothing can fix this."
Giving up.
That's it.
The End.
No happily-ever-after.
Here and forever after,
Hurting.
Losing my best friend.
That's the worst thing.
That's what can't happen.
If it does,
I die.

Habits

I find myself,

Everyday,

Developing new habits that I just don't understand.

I am constantly tapping my foot,

Waiting for something to happen,

Anxious,

Like an atom bomb is going to hit me,

Or the next apocalypse is going to start any minute,

Or something else that's very very very bad..

I am always picking at the skin around my fingers,

Never biting my nails,

Always biting my skin.

I have cuts and scabs all around my nail beds.

They keep me company while I endure the AP classes and standardized exams.

I just always thinking about failing at life,

So I bite myself,

Hoping if I bite hard enough, I can go numb.

I go to school,

Stay after everyday for rehearsal,

Come home,

Eat dinner,

Clean,

Do productive things...

Then sleep,

sleep,

sleep.

At about 1, I wake up,

I do my homework.

I stay up until the wee hours of the morning,

Then go to school.

It seems strange but it's working.

I miss you,

I miss you a lot.

It's stupid, I know.

I check your Twitter, and your Facebook...

Then I remind myself that isn't what I should be doing.

I think of you.

I know I like you.

I know I want you to be mine.

But if I miss (fore mentioned character),

I don't want you yet,

And waiting is so hard,

But I will.

Unfortunately I feel as if these are cycles I go through,

Everyday.

Get anxious,

Go home,

Escape,

Wake up,

Get depressed,

Get happy,

Sleep,

Wake up,

Get anxious,

Go home,

Escape,

Wake up,

Get depressed,

Get happy,

Sleep....

and so on.

How do I break out?

Excitement

Oh to be feeling that rush,
Of liking something new,
Similar to when you were young,
And it was Christmas,
And there was a big box underneath the tree,
And there were six cursive letters that made up your name,
And when you tore open that metallic, crinkly wrapping paper,
You saw the item that was on the top of your wish list,
And it was so exciting..

That's how I felt with you the other night.

We had a lovely time.
You helped me to be distracted from the hurting
That I have felt so much recently.
We walked around our quiet little town,
And you broke in your new striped shoes,
And I wore the crewneck that I bought when I was at a concert with you,
Then of course I hadn't known how grand you are.

We were laughing, talking, playing, just...being goofy.
It's something I haven't done in a while with a boy.
We walked and walked and opened up about the things that we feel,
You are a boy...who has feelings.
That's something I have never experienced with a boy.

You're so happy,
And carefree,
Easily pleased and amused.
It makes me happy to see you smile.

We talked about our sadness,
The anxiety and all.
In a bittersweet kinda way,
It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone,
That someone else has the same freaky mannerisms
That I do,
That my silly fears,
Aren't so silly to someone else,
That finally,
Someone else actually understands the ins and outs,
And that actually,
There is someone else out there,
Who might like me
Who is capable of facing their problems
And doesn't run away from them..
Who doesn't run away from me...
Leaving me thinking that I did something wrong,
But without explanation.

It was so fun,
To walk with you in the mist,
And it was so pleasantly refreshing,
When the rain started pouring.
We ran to your car,
And we laughed,
And we hopped in,
Breathing heavily and our noses runny.
Against our wet skin we felt the cool fall air,
And the windows got steamy as we sat.

We were innocent.
We drew pictures with our fingers,
And made up sound effects to narrate our illustrations.
You gave me a high five,
And we almost held hands,
And we giggled.
And it was nice.
I liked it...
I knew I was beginning to like you.

We drove home with the windows down.
It was a little past one.
You told me you had fun.
I told you I had fun.
We leaned over the weird box thing,
That sits between the driver and passenger's seat,
And hugged that awkward hug,
And said goodnight.

I knew, that I liked you.
I know that I want you for my own now.
I know I want you to be my best friend.

Nostalgia

Driving by
That place,
A quaint little field,
In the middle of a quiet subdivision,
Near the local high school,
The night of July 3rd,
After the fireworks,
We drove there,
Where you kissed me on my lips
Where you kissed me on my forehead
You took my hand
You laid with me
On the back of your car
We watched the stars
We spoke
Words
You told me amazing things,
And I told you the things,
I never thought
You could understand
But you did
Or so
I thought

We laughed
We enjoyed the company
Of the fireflies
Dancing in the tall grass
We breathed in the cool, humid, sweet summer air
Filled with questions and fears,
Feeling the paranoia run across our skin,
Leaving goose bumps.
Not knowing
What the future holds.
Or at least
I didn't

You told me things
I didn't expect to know
And you showed me things
I didn't expect to see
I learned so much from you and
About you that
I thought this would have to last.
There was no way that it couldn't..
But I was completely and utterly mistaken,
It turns out.

So driving by
That place
Yes
It hurts
Pangs in my chest
It burns my throat
Stings my lips
Scorches my hands
And I want to cry
Because I know
Nothing will be the same
With you
Ever again
But I don't miss you
Necessarily
I just miss
What we had
And how we loved

Medicine

These words aren't mine,

But they are absolutely beautiful.

 Medicine

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
Medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

You could still be,
what you want to.
What you said you were,
when I met you.
when you met me.
when I met you.

Ooooooooo...
Ooooooooo...

Apologies

Recently, I've found myself being drawn to writing poetry on this blog. That isn't all I'm going to be doing here, though, to the five or so of you who actually read this. Tonight, I want to apologize to anyone who I've hurt.

 I'm sorry for how I treated you, if that was how I hurt you. 

I'm sorry if I just wasn't what you needed at the time and if I caused more harm than good. 

I'm sorry if I was petty and rude. I didn't mean for those words to be seen by you. 

I'm sorry that I can't make myself love you.

I'm sorry that I keep coming back.

I'm sorry for not stopping myself from liking you.

I'm sorry for letting stupid things getting to me and taking it out on you.

I'm sorry for blowing that situation out of proportion, when it wasn't all your fault.

I'm sorry that I kissed him. I know you liked him and that wasn't okay.

I'm sorry that I can't be as good of a friend as you are to me.

I'm sorry that I can probably never be the same person that I was before I turned bad.

I'm sorry I turned bad.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I do all these stupid things with good intentions and not realize that it's all wrong.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so sorry for everything, and I just want for everything to be okay.

Everything is okay right now, but I want for people to know that I'm making an effort.

I want to be happy.

I am happy,

But I want it to stay this time.

I want to free my conscience, but also be at peace with others around me.

So,

Again,

I'm sorry.

Confusion

Words
But no words
Not naming things
To be without periods
Without end
Searching for meaning
But not searching for answers
To define
Without a label
Discovery
Self-exploration
Outward expansion
But not exactly
Because not knowing
But knowing that I don't know
Not caring
But caring enough to know that I should
Which goes back to knowing
None of which I do
Or I don't
I just don't know
Or I do
It's a spiral