True happiness

There are so many reasons to be happy; so many things to share. Happiness is always much better when shared with others. I'm going to share the things I'm happy about at this current moment.

• Being able to serve for Anna Purna 
• Helping to feed the less fortunate who cannot feed themselves
• Beautiful people who are willing to take their time to do true service
• Having the blessing of practicing spirituality with people who don't judge and who understand this new and terrifying journey
• Emptying negativity through service for others
• Coming home and being able to spread the positive feelings I've gained
• Basking in the glory of generosity 
• Appreciating gorgeous music 

I just want to take a seperate moment to appreciate the fact that I feel content for the first time in a long time, just being by myself without anxiety getting to me and ruining everything.

I truly do feel as if I've found the source of being at peace with myself.

Unanswered questions; to no one in particular

If you knew that you were going to treat your children this way, would you have had us to begin with?

Do you still think about me?

I'm not saying I want to, but if I did call you in a time of panic, would you actually answer me?

Were you planning on pursuing me before you saw my writing?

Are you interested in me at all?

Would you be willing to try this out?

Are you okay with just being my friend?

Am I still in love with you?

Have I ever even been in love?

Am I important at all?

Is my sadness significant to you or do you not care?

Do you mean anything that you said to me?

Ever?

Why do you still talk to me?

What was going through your head when you kissed me?

Did you mean to take advantage of me?

Do you realize that's what you did?

Do you think you get it?

Do you actually think you understand me?

Are you talking to me because I'm interesting or because you actually care?

Do you hate me?

Do you think I'm a bad person?

Do you think I'm a slut?

Is it bad that I never say no?

Why do I always put other people before myself?

Why is other people's happiness more important than my morals?

Why do I feel the need to be high all the time?

How can I be the daughter that you wanted?

Have you ever wanted to run away from here because of me?

When will you accept me for who I am?

Why can't I do that too?

When will someone love me again the way you did?

Vicious Cycle

Being upset causes me to be upset. I absolutely hate wasting my time having negative feelings towards things when I could be spending my time wisely and enjoying myself. I just can't pretend to be happy anymore either. I used to be able to, but now it just isn't worth the effort. Unfortunately, this makes my sadness or anger noticeable. People will then start to ask me what's wrong and try to help, but I feel like lately I just don't want anyone's help. Scratch that. I want the help of one specific person. I might not know who that person is at the time, but I know that if I talk with them that I will feel better. Again, sometimes I know who this person is. Other times, I don't. Lately, it's always a boy, and particularly, whichever boy I'm interested in romantically at the time. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic. I should be able to either deal with my problems myself or accept help from someone that isn't a potential partner. The fact that the words of my friends are much less significant to me just because they can't give me affection the same way a boyfriend can really makes me upset. And that makes me upset. And here we go in a vicious cycle.

Bhakti & Karma Yoga

   Tonight, I had my first introduction to the Unschool of Yoga, which is named so because of the fact that putting words to our connections while in the presence of our inner spirit would ruin the whole experience. I'm the youngest in the class, by far. I have speculation that the next oldest person is around the age of 20, and some of my classmates and my instructor were speaking of grandchildren, so you can imagine the variety of the room. It was, however, mostly middle aged women. I had some discomfort originally as we had not started out on a good foot (no pun intended) when my mom walked right into the sacred space with her chunky, black high heels. I felt rather anxious in comparison to many of the 2nd and 3rd year students and I'm hoping that eventually, I'll be able to sit in the room with as much ease as they can. I'm so excited and curious to go on a new journey with myself. I think this year is going to be very eye opening for me. I'm getting much farther involved in my creative abilities with writing and not limiting myself so much to what I've always known. I've always been a person of habit, so trying these new things is very eye opening and to be honest, discomforting. I think it'll be okay though, because I have the wonderful people whom I've just met today to help me along. I hope that my gradual personality change is reflected through my writing as well, so that later I can reflect on all of these posts and see my struggle and success. That's why from now on, I don't care what I say, I'm not deleting a post. I'm sorry if I end up hurting someone, though I will try not to, but I must be able to see tangible proof of my growth as a human striving to serve the truth.

We all worked together to make this little guy up here. I did the eyes. :)

At peace

Finally reaching that moment,
Realizing,
That it doesn't matter anymore.
There is no reason to hurt,
No reason to cry,
No reason to lament over the broken things,
No point in holding on to something that wasn't meant to be.

I understand.

I need something new,
Invigorating,
Fresh,
Fantastic,
I deserve it.
I deserve to be happy.

I don't know why I didn't think I did before.

I think it really is true,
That for things to start going right,
They first have to go absolutely wrong.

That's okay.

My life went haywire.
I dodged some bullets,
Avoided some crises,
And here I am,
Still living,
Still breathing,
Still trucking along.

Guess what? I feel fucking fabulous.

You get it

Summer goes,

Affection leaves,

Autumn comes,

Leaves bring new things,

A boy who has been hurt one too many times,

He hasn't loved in years,

But why does he want my lips

On his?

I want to reach out,

I want to hold him,

I want to let him in,

But he's a challenge that I don't know

If I can bear the hardships that will come along.

It just felt very right,
Last Saturday night,
In my bedroom underneath my Christmas lights,
To be kissing your lips,

To be holding your hands,

To be talking about hurting with someone who gets it.

You get it,

I think.

You're no exception

It's Friday.
It's 4:14 a.m.
My heart hurts because the words you said
At 11:35 last night
Punched me in my heart.
You told me
I won't ignore you.
You can talk to me.
Please don't be upset.
Because you knew that I was healing my wounds too.
You know some of the most awful pain
From the love in your past.
That one girl, she hurt you really badly.
I've never known love such as that.
I'm sorry she hurt you.
I'm sorry you need her.
Despite how short of a time this has been happening,
I wanted you while my heart was feeling meager.
I'm sorry that I felt as if I needed you.
But I needed you yesterday.
Not only were you not there,
But when I begged, you said
no.
Now
I know
If it was something serious,
I wouldn't have you.
They always leave in the end.
You're no exception.



That doesn't change the fact that I still blame myself for everything.

~j.j.b.~