Medicine

These words aren't mine,

But they are absolutely beautiful.

 Medicine

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
Medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

You could still be,
what you want to.
What you said you were,
when I met you.
when you met me.
when I met you.

Ooooooooo...
Ooooooooo...

Apologies

Recently, I've found myself being drawn to writing poetry on this blog. That isn't all I'm going to be doing here, though, to the five or so of you who actually read this. Tonight, I want to apologize to anyone who I've hurt.

 I'm sorry for how I treated you, if that was how I hurt you. 

I'm sorry if I just wasn't what you needed at the time and if I caused more harm than good. 

I'm sorry if I was petty and rude. I didn't mean for those words to be seen by you. 

I'm sorry that I can't make myself love you.

I'm sorry that I keep coming back.

I'm sorry for not stopping myself from liking you.

I'm sorry for letting stupid things getting to me and taking it out on you.

I'm sorry for blowing that situation out of proportion, when it wasn't all your fault.

I'm sorry that I kissed him. I know you liked him and that wasn't okay.

I'm sorry that I can't be as good of a friend as you are to me.

I'm sorry that I can probably never be the same person that I was before I turned bad.

I'm sorry I turned bad.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I do all these stupid things with good intentions and not realize that it's all wrong.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so sorry for everything, and I just want for everything to be okay.

Everything is okay right now, but I want for people to know that I'm making an effort.

I want to be happy.

I am happy,

But I want it to stay this time.

I want to free my conscience, but also be at peace with others around me.

So,

Again,

I'm sorry.

Confusion

Words
But no words
Not naming things
To be without periods
Without end
Searching for meaning
But not searching for answers
To define
Without a label
Discovery
Self-exploration
Outward expansion
But not exactly
Because not knowing
But knowing that I don't know
Not caring
But caring enough to know that I should
Which goes back to knowing
None of which I do
Or I don't
I just don't know
Or I do
It's a spiral

I don't understand.

Seeing your face,
Receiving contact,
Knowing that you're out there,
Living,
Still going,
Just like me.
It killed me.
How can two snapchats from you
Make me cry?
You didn't even say anything significant.
You didn't even say my name.
You seem so uninterested.
Why is it upsetting me so much?
How am I crying right now?
How was I,
Last night,
Able to say,
"I'm over it."
"It's done."
"It doesn't matter."
And now,
I'm alone
In my room
Crying over you still.
I just don't understand.

True happiness

There are so many reasons to be happy; so many things to share. Happiness is always much better when shared with others. I'm going to share the things I'm happy about at this current moment.

• Being able to serve for Anna Purna 
• Helping to feed the less fortunate who cannot feed themselves
• Beautiful people who are willing to take their time to do true service
• Having the blessing of practicing spirituality with people who don't judge and who understand this new and terrifying journey
• Emptying negativity through service for others
• Coming home and being able to spread the positive feelings I've gained
• Basking in the glory of generosity 
• Appreciating gorgeous music 

I just want to take a seperate moment to appreciate the fact that I feel content for the first time in a long time, just being by myself without anxiety getting to me and ruining everything.

I truly do feel as if I've found the source of being at peace with myself.

Unanswered questions; to no one in particular

If you knew that you were going to treat your children this way, would you have had us to begin with?

Do you still think about me?

I'm not saying I want to, but if I did call you in a time of panic, would you actually answer me?

Were you planning on pursuing me before you saw my writing?

Are you interested in me at all?

Would you be willing to try this out?

Are you okay with just being my friend?

Am I still in love with you?

Have I ever even been in love?

Am I important at all?

Is my sadness significant to you or do you not care?

Do you mean anything that you said to me?

Ever?

Why do you still talk to me?

What was going through your head when you kissed me?

Did you mean to take advantage of me?

Do you realize that's what you did?

Do you think you get it?

Do you actually think you understand me?

Are you talking to me because I'm interesting or because you actually care?

Do you hate me?

Do you think I'm a bad person?

Do you think I'm a slut?

Is it bad that I never say no?

Why do I always put other people before myself?

Why is other people's happiness more important than my morals?

Why do I feel the need to be high all the time?

How can I be the daughter that you wanted?

Have you ever wanted to run away from here because of me?

When will you accept me for who I am?

Why can't I do that too?

When will someone love me again the way you did?

Vicious Cycle

Being upset causes me to be upset. I absolutely hate wasting my time having negative feelings towards things when I could be spending my time wisely and enjoying myself. I just can't pretend to be happy anymore either. I used to be able to, but now it just isn't worth the effort. Unfortunately, this makes my sadness or anger noticeable. People will then start to ask me what's wrong and try to help, but I feel like lately I just don't want anyone's help. Scratch that. I want the help of one specific person. I might not know who that person is at the time, but I know that if I talk with them that I will feel better. Again, sometimes I know who this person is. Other times, I don't. Lately, it's always a boy, and particularly, whichever boy I'm interested in romantically at the time. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic. I should be able to either deal with my problems myself or accept help from someone that isn't a potential partner. The fact that the words of my friends are much less significant to me just because they can't give me affection the same way a boyfriend can really makes me upset. And that makes me upset. And here we go in a vicious cycle.