I Don't Sleep Much

I don't much fancy slumber
Because
Unlike most people
I do not escape
A midst the land of sheep-counters and Lunesta

Most can escape in their sleep
Lie down in a fluffy mess of comforters and pillows
Kiss their troubles good-bye
And run away
To make believe places
For hours on end
Even the lucid dreamers
Or the snoring sillies
But not me
Insomnia is in my blood

Small reminders of the pain are everywhere
They visit me in my nocturnal hours

The flick of the heating system is accented by the memory of you
Realizing that my most affectionate lovers are my mechanical pencil and derivative formula sheet
Knowing that within these walls are the only comforts I can depend on
Which include a midnight snack of baby carrots and earl grey
The caffeine, one of the many drugs that cannot numb the pain
Because the marijuana and the alcohol only remind me
Of the sloppy nights where we pretended to love each other
And the darkness outside is the darkness you walked me to my door in
Where you kissed me
And this music
This beautiful music...
You played it for me
And the glitches in my computer stop the song
And I am left again
In the silence
Of the night
Until I am too exhausted
Too the point where even an insomniac
Can rest
And then I dream.

It's Stupid, really

I feel
So much like a child

When I read over old text messages that sit, without purpose but for me to dwell on, in the phone you touched

Old Tumblr posts that I only wrote in hopes that you would see and realize you were in love with me (or something

Old poems and letters that I wrote in my notes section on my phone, that eventually, either sobered up and were never sent or were sent with tears and no reply

It's stupid

I'm not over it.

I still wish for your name to light up on my screen
If it did,
I know I would immediately "slide to unlock" and reply
In a manner that would make it impossible
For our conversation not to carry on

Opportunities and people
Pass me by,
But I just watch
It isn't what I want

I want you

I want summer

I want car rides at night

Trying to catch your hand as it moved your stick shift

I want to remember the feeling

Of not caring what anyone else thought

Because when I was with you

You were all that mattered

I want un-bitten nails and fingers

I want forehead kisses

I want awkward sleepovers while my dad pretends not to noticed

I want the carefree attitude I used to know

I don't want to be anxious anymore

I don't want to be sad

I don't want to dwell on this

I don't want to keep pretending that I'm over it when I'm not

I just want to kiss you

Once more

To maybe remind you

That what it was

I hope it was special

And this
This is a poem
Wrote
But never published

What I never understood

It never made sense to me
That in order to be able to love someone else
And really love him
I had to be happy
By myself

It never made sense to me
That in order to be happy
And really happy
I have to give up
All the things that upset me

It never made sense to me
That the things that upset me
And I mean really upset me
Are the things
That used to bring me so much joy

It never made sense to me
How the things that brought me joy
And brought me joy in times of sadness
Are the things
That hurt me the most

It never made sense to me
That the things that hurt me the most
And really hurt me the most
Are the things
That love me the most

It never made sense to me
That the things that love me the most
And really love me
Are the things
That I can never become dependent on

Because the life we live, it never pauses, there's no remote, no rewind, and no fast forward; only play

And in the end, you're on your own.

The Words

The words
They came
The words I never thought you'd say
The one
Who could never hurt me enough
Finally did
The one
Who I thought would always be here
Wasn't
The thing
That I thought I could I could always depend on
Ran away
And those words
"Nothing in common anymore"
Stabbed me
Like a knife
In my chest
And as if
Those weren't enough
"Nothing will be the same"
That twisted the knife
Clockwise
In five of the biggest circles
I have ever felt
And I just cried
I sobbed
I shook
The blood
Gone from my hands
Leaving my fingers
Cold as ice
Unable to feel
Numb
Gone
Dead
Without
My best friend
So many heartbreaks
So much hurting
All the pain
You got me through
Countless hours
And text messages
Pointless
I guess
Nothing more
Are they worth
Now that we are two
And not one
This friendship
That we have built upon
Now crumbles
To the ground
Making a terrible sound
As it hits the floor
And that sound
Hurts my heart
I'm sad
And upset
And broken
And the person who I want to talk to
Who I want to confide in
Who I want to vent with
Is you
And I cannot
Because I want so badly
To be let back in
But you won't
Open the door.

Fall

A fear of reaching out
Spikes a chain reaction
Making it too difficult
To let anyone in

Being inside,
And being the only one inside,
It becomes lonely
Very quickly,
Like a spiral slide,
Sliding down,
With nothing to grab onto
And no way of stopping.

Everyone can tell me,
We love you,
You're gonna be okay,
I'm here for you.

But when I get to that place,
Down at the bottom of that dark, deep hole,
The comforting words are muffled by screams
Screams for help,
The help that never comes,
Because the desperate cries are too loud for me to hear,
What I need.

I tell them to quiet down,
I want to hear what I so long for,
But unless I can cut myself open
And tear out the screeches,
I am stuck.
I am alone.
I am lost.

But then when I do get there,
After not cutting open,
But just climbing over the shrieks,
I can see a stream of light coming over the edge,
And it's warm on my face

But a cloud passes by,
And I try to explain how,
Why
I plunged into that deep, dark, place
That cloud becomes a rain,
And I try to give more reason,
But the rain becomes a hurricane,
And my thoughts and statements become jumbled,
As the wind whips them around
And rearranges them,
So that they make no sense to neither you, nor I.

Then, finally, as soon as I think the rain will never pass,
It does.
It leaves my hands trembling,
My face, sore with tears,
The salty taste on my lips.
I have risen from this sea of sadness,
And I begin walking on this shore of recovery.
"I'm sorry" is written in the sand.
The shells whisper words of forgiveness.
The sun kisses me and tells me it's okay,
So I begin to run.
I run and run and run,
Away from the storm,
From the hole,
From the darkness,
From the depth,
And I reach the end of the shore,
Where the shore turns to dirt.

I walk on the dirt road,
Miles and Miles,
Across hills, mountains, valleys, plains,
Then I get there.
To another pier,
Where I see the dark hole,
Swirling below me,
Begging for me to dive in.

Disease

The absolute worst thing I have ever had to encounter,
Whether it be through me or through someone else
Is a disease,
A sickness,
A disorder,
An illness,
Anything wrong,
Physically,
That cannot be treated.
The worst thing is
Knowing.
Knowing,
But being able to do
Nothing.
Being able to do nothing.
Being incapable of doing
Anything.
Anything.
Anything could happen.
It could turn into
"Oh it's nothing."
Nothing.
Or it could turn into
"Nothing can fix this."
Giving up.
That's it.
The End.
No happily-ever-after.
Here and forever after,
Hurting.
Losing my best friend.
That's the worst thing.
That's what can't happen.
If it does,
I die.

Habits

I find myself,

Everyday,

Developing new habits that I just don't understand.

I am constantly tapping my foot,

Waiting for something to happen,

Anxious,

Like an atom bomb is going to hit me,

Or the next apocalypse is going to start any minute,

Or something else that's very very very bad..

I am always picking at the skin around my fingers,

Never biting my nails,

Always biting my skin.

I have cuts and scabs all around my nail beds.

They keep me company while I endure the AP classes and standardized exams.

I just always thinking about failing at life,

So I bite myself,

Hoping if I bite hard enough, I can go numb.

I go to school,

Stay after everyday for rehearsal,

Come home,

Eat dinner,

Clean,

Do productive things...

Then sleep,

sleep,

sleep.

At about 1, I wake up,

I do my homework.

I stay up until the wee hours of the morning,

Then go to school.

It seems strange but it's working.

I miss you,

I miss you a lot.

It's stupid, I know.

I check your Twitter, and your Facebook...

Then I remind myself that isn't what I should be doing.

I think of you.

I know I like you.

I know I want you to be mine.

But if I miss (fore mentioned character),

I don't want you yet,

And waiting is so hard,

But I will.

Unfortunately I feel as if these are cycles I go through,

Everyday.

Get anxious,

Go home,

Escape,

Wake up,

Get depressed,

Get happy,

Sleep,

Wake up,

Get anxious,

Go home,

Escape,

Wake up,

Get depressed,

Get happy,

Sleep....

and so on.

How do I break out?