What's on your mind?

I often have problems saying how I feel
Because how I feel
Is not what I say
Because what I feel
Can only be described
With the words
That have all too passionate connotations
Beautiful words
But words with fear
So what I do say
Isn't what I mean
So what I don't say
Is not to be heard
For fear that you might run away
But the words that are so beautiful
Only wait
And come out as appropriate
So that by the time they come
It feels so good to get them out
And I am happy that I waited

Hurting No Longer; This is Just Clarity

I thought.
I thought it was all done.
That it was all okay.
I thought the season had finally changed.
The warm weather.
Gone.
With the memories of you.
But even in the dead of winter.
It seems as if.
Just because you are here.
The warmth is returning.
Just for you and me.
Just for you.
To tease me.
To give me a taste.
Of what I thought I could not miss.
But the kisses.
The touches.
The nudges.
The up and down looks.
They fuck with my head.
And the more I think.
The more I remember.
The more I miss you. 
And it's still so stupid.
Because you are already moved on.
Off.
And I have become.
What I had intended to be.
A bridge.
That mends the gap.
Between your old life.
And the new. 
And you cross over me.
To get back to the old.
And I so want to be new again.

And now there is someone
Who makes me feel shiny and new
And it's alright, it's okay
It isn't you.

Hangover

The awful decisions
And blurred memories
Spiral in circles over my head

I wake up
Dusty eyes
You pull me to your car
And take me home

I stumble inside
Put on a big tee shirt
Sleep away the peach vodka and buzzing high
Waking up then,
To still hazy vision

I rise
Turn on the hot water
Remove the clothes that smell of desperation
Slowly step under the shower head
And wash away
The smell of you
And down the drain
Are going all of the little touches that coaxed me to you.

Stepping out,
Throwing on a towel that smells of fresh rain
I brush my teeth
To wash away the taste of your kiss
Comb my hair
Moisturize my face
And touch the bruise
From where I tripped
Walking barefoot to your car
On the ice

Waiting for the day after texts
Wanting to know if when you said
I knew for a while
You really did
Or
When you said
I like it
You really did

It's been months since I've done this
So correct me if I'm wrong.

I Don't Sleep Much

I don't much fancy slumber
Because
Unlike most people
I do not escape
A midst the land of sheep-counters and Lunesta

Most can escape in their sleep
Lie down in a fluffy mess of comforters and pillows
Kiss their troubles good-bye
And run away
To make believe places
For hours on end
Even the lucid dreamers
Or the snoring sillies
But not me
Insomnia is in my blood

Small reminders of the pain are everywhere
They visit me in my nocturnal hours

The flick of the heating system is accented by the memory of you
Realizing that my most affectionate lovers are my mechanical pencil and derivative formula sheet
Knowing that within these walls are the only comforts I can depend on
Which include a midnight snack of baby carrots and earl grey
The caffeine, one of the many drugs that cannot numb the pain
Because the marijuana and the alcohol only remind me
Of the sloppy nights where we pretended to love each other
And the darkness outside is the darkness you walked me to my door in
Where you kissed me
And this music
This beautiful music...
You played it for me
And the glitches in my computer stop the song
And I am left again
In the silence
Of the night
Until I am too exhausted
Too the point where even an insomniac
Can rest
And then I dream.

It's Stupid, really

I feel
So much like a child

When I read over old text messages that sit, without purpose but for me to dwell on, in the phone you touched

Old Tumblr posts that I only wrote in hopes that you would see and realize you were in love with me (or something

Old poems and letters that I wrote in my notes section on my phone, that eventually, either sobered up and were never sent or were sent with tears and no reply

It's stupid

I'm not over it.

I still wish for your name to light up on my screen
If it did,
I know I would immediately "slide to unlock" and reply
In a manner that would make it impossible
For our conversation not to carry on

Opportunities and people
Pass me by,
But I just watch
It isn't what I want

I want you

I want summer

I want car rides at night

Trying to catch your hand as it moved your stick shift

I want to remember the feeling

Of not caring what anyone else thought

Because when I was with you

You were all that mattered

I want un-bitten nails and fingers

I want forehead kisses

I want awkward sleepovers while my dad pretends not to noticed

I want the carefree attitude I used to know

I don't want to be anxious anymore

I don't want to be sad

I don't want to dwell on this

I don't want to keep pretending that I'm over it when I'm not

I just want to kiss you

Once more

To maybe remind you

That what it was

I hope it was special

And this
This is a poem
Wrote
But never published

What I never understood

It never made sense to me
That in order to be able to love someone else
And really love him
I had to be happy
By myself

It never made sense to me
That in order to be happy
And really happy
I have to give up
All the things that upset me

It never made sense to me
That the things that upset me
And I mean really upset me
Are the things
That used to bring me so much joy

It never made sense to me
How the things that brought me joy
And brought me joy in times of sadness
Are the things
That hurt me the most

It never made sense to me
That the things that hurt me the most
And really hurt me the most
Are the things
That love me the most

It never made sense to me
That the things that love me the most
And really love me
Are the things
That I can never become dependent on

Because the life we live, it never pauses, there's no remote, no rewind, and no fast forward; only play

And in the end, you're on your own.

The Words

The words
They came
The words I never thought you'd say
The one
Who could never hurt me enough
Finally did
The one
Who I thought would always be here
Wasn't
The thing
That I thought I could I could always depend on
Ran away
And those words
"Nothing in common anymore"
Stabbed me
Like a knife
In my chest
And as if
Those weren't enough
"Nothing will be the same"
That twisted the knife
Clockwise
In five of the biggest circles
I have ever felt
And I just cried
I sobbed
I shook
The blood
Gone from my hands
Leaving my fingers
Cold as ice
Unable to feel
Numb
Gone
Dead
Without
My best friend
So many heartbreaks
So much hurting
All the pain
You got me through
Countless hours
And text messages
Pointless
I guess
Nothing more
Are they worth
Now that we are two
And not one
This friendship
That we have built upon
Now crumbles
To the ground
Making a terrible sound
As it hits the floor
And that sound
Hurts my heart
I'm sad
And upset
And broken
And the person who I want to talk to
Who I want to confide in
Who I want to vent with
Is you
And I cannot
Because I want so badly
To be let back in
But you won't
Open the door.