You made me a noose

You made me a noose,
Fashioned with knowledge of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities,
And you captured me with it,
Tossed around my neck, like a lasso
Because you knew I would never leave
As long as you were holding onto the rope.

The guilt I've carried is my own noose,
That I made myself as you watched.
It weighs on me,
And it weighs tons.
My body is weak and tired,
But still, there is work to be done.
I've spent so long on this journey...
There is no giving up.

But soon,
I realize...

The pain I carry will always be with me when I'm with you
Because when I try to forget...
You ignite the flame that singes my heart.
You pull on that rope
And it tightens just a little too tight on my neck,
Just to remind me that I am not in control.

Whenever I begin to feel it loosen
And relief flickers in the distance,
You remind me that true relief is unattainable
And you pull harder
So I choke.

You know
You know that my heart won't permit me to leave,
As long as the guilt remains
My heart will long to reconcile
Eternally
And still...
You pull harder

The problem is that I never suffocate
That would be too easy.
So now I muster the courage
To cut myself free from the noose that you so carefully wove for me,
Not to hang myself with,
But to damn myself with

But the rope is cut,
Leaving you...a lonesome cowboy,
Wondering how this could happen because you had the control.
Do you still wonder what went wrong?
I know you will forever wish that you could've done more.

Skin

You are warm and familiar.
Your long, strong arms wrap around me,
like a wool blanket.
I'm engulfed in your affection.
Your love touches me
In many places on my body.
Where our skin meets, our lives touch.
I find myself limp in your arms,
But still weightless because here,
I can forget the pain,
Even the pain you've caused.
I'm strong and my instinct is to fight.
In your arms,
My instincts fleet.
I am not an animal.
I am a woman.
The intimacy...it's real.
You do know me
And love me
And here, with our skin touching,
Felling your skin on mine...
I'm  scared I can't say good-bye.

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

It's not wrong to lose you

It's sad,
Losing someone you were close to...
And not the dying loss.
The kind of loss where the person looks the same,
And talks the same,
But you know that somehow,
The person you thought you knew just isn't there.

I think that kind of loss is worse than death.
Because when someone dies, at least you knew them until that moment.
The person you thought you loved can do everything to you.
They lie to you,
Steal from you,
Hurt you,
Cheat on you,
Talk about you...
In ways that you really never imagined that they could.

And still,
You accept it because you love him.
But it's hurting you, so you just
stop...
And it really is sad, just losing that person.

But I know I can be ok...and I will be
But right now,
The tears that stain this page,
They are my sadness and my truth
And it's necessary...
but I will be ok.

I thought you were him, but you're not.

The love of my life will ask me to sing for him.

I praised you for your talents and passions,
While you neglected or critiqued mine.
My beauty goes beyond my body.
My body is beautiful, but it still felt like I wasn't enough.

Because you didn't love the essence of my soul.

Drop

Once it hits
Clarity
And the shapes begin to form
And I am thinking
Running in my head
Walking outside
Seeing the light and the sparks
Talking and connecting
With someone who is feeling the same way
Being affected in an identical manner
The giggles
The comfort of being surrounded
By those who can take care of me
Driving
In the woods
On an all too familiar road
Like a little toy car
In the big room
That is our rural town
And we sit in the truck
Where I feel safe
And I talk through
The feelings
And I go to the basement
And stare at the wall
And I feel the air on my skin
And all my hairs are standing perpendicular to my arm
And I wear the headphones
And listen to the song
And wake you up
And play with your fingers
And the thoughts got through my head
One at a time
I stop and think "wow."
And I wonder
How it feels
To not feel this way
Because all recollection of sobriety
Is gone
And all I can do is enjoy
Where my mind travels
And

Dreary Rainy Sunday

It hurts
A little
To listen to the rain
With the window a little open
And a candle flickering
Without your arms around me
And it hurts
A little 
Not knowing
If it’s hurting you too
And what seems
Like something so small
Isn’t small at all
Manifesting
Into something
Quite large
What’s scary
Is not knowing 
Not knowing
Not knowin

Highways

Rainy
Crisp
Cool
Sunday
Driving with the windows open
The bass rumbles through the speakers
Pulsates through my bones
My hair strays from my neat ponytail
And brushes against my face 
The sun reflecting on my teal cat eye sunglasses
And over the duration of this drive
I am imagining you next to me
A feeling of freedom and happiness
Wanting to be able to escape with you
I want to feel something
And although it is pleasing at times
The numbness is growing old