New Beginning

I feel alone but in a good way.
There are still parts of me that want this with you,
But I know on my own feels good
And is just as good too.

December is a feeling

My December has always been runny noses, pink fingers and toes,
Puffy jackets that swish when you move,
Klunky boots and wool socks,
That still can't keep you just warm enough.
December smells like fires and musty basements.
It tastes like apple cider and pierogis from Babcia's Polish deli.
The twinkling of the lights on the tree dance outside in the snow,
All the while the tree enjoys the warmth of the indoors.
There is no feeling like entering a home after braving the frigid outdoors.

In California, December is different.
I can still go to the beach,
Jump in the waves,
Lay in the sun
Watch the surfers,
Glistening and gliding through the green waves.
The wind picks up a little more,
And when the sun goes down
The chill is a little more bitter,
But never a real bite.
There's an element of magic,
Knowing that even though this is natural, the fact that I am here is what makes it possible.
The feeling of California in December is surreal.

It all felt wavy

It all felt wavy,
But I knew it would be ok,
And you said it...
It's because I had you
And you understand.
We can sit in silence and write.
Writers are different than non-
Writers are travelers.
Today, I'm just traveling,
Mind wandering,
My body is the vehicle.

Thank you for making my hands warm.
Everything feels warm now.
Your space is warm.

At least I would know

The truth is never something I considered to be so powerful

Until I was lied to.

I really wish you never lied,

Because when you say that you're innocent,

At least I would know

You are nameless

I will no longer permit you to have the power to sway my emotions
I will not yearn for the past and give you the credit for the fond memories
I am the keeper of those

Your name allows you to be human
But the way you have treated me is in-humane
You do not deserve that title
Human
You are a monster
A monster that will remain nameless
Your name doesn't matter

I have so much anger towards you,
But allowing you a name allows me to pinpoint the anger
I've realized that anger is a temporary emotion
Allowing you a name attaches the anger to something permanent
So, I will repeat,
Your. Name. Doesn't. Matter.

I screamed at the top of my lungs for so long,
Always letting you know exactly what I needed
You pretended to be deaf,
Like it was my fault that you didn't understand
The thing is, you did understand,
You just didn't give a shit
You were angry

You may not have realized,
But your anger filled me up with anger
You were so destructive
But for some reason
Because you're a sick person,
You enjoyed it

It's even more disgusting that you still convince yourself that you are not this person
That is why
I despise you

I will allow this anger to be temporary
Just like the time you took up in my life
You will remain nameless and soon I will forget
Now you're just some guy
Who couldn't learn to not be a liar

You made me a noose

You made me a noose,
Fashioned with knowledge of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities,
And you captured me with it,
Tossed around my neck, like a lasso
Because you knew I would never leave
As long as you were holding onto the rope.

The guilt I've carried is my own noose,
That I made myself as you watched.
It weighs on me,
And it weighs tons.
My body is weak and tired,
But still, there is work to be done.
I've spent so long on this journey...
There is no giving up.

But soon,
I realize...

The pain I carry will always be with me when I'm with you
Because when I try to forget...
You ignite the flame that singes my heart.
You pull on that rope
And it tightens just a little too tight on my neck,
Just to remind me that I am not in control.

Whenever I begin to feel it loosen
And relief flickers in the distance,
You remind me that true relief is unattainable
And you pull harder
So I choke.

You know
You know that my heart won't permit me to leave,
As long as the guilt remains
My heart will long to reconcile
Eternally
And still...
You pull harder

The problem is that I never suffocate
That would be too easy.
So now I muster the courage
To cut myself free from the noose that you so carefully wove for me,
Not to hang myself with,
But to damn myself with

But the rope is cut,
Leaving you...a lonesome cowboy,
Wondering how this could happen because you had the control.
Do you still wonder what went wrong?
I know you will forever wish that you could've done more.

Skin

You are warm and familiar.
Your long, strong arms wrap around me,
like a wool blanket.
I'm engulfed in your affection.
Your love touches me
In many places on my body.
Where our skin meets, our lives touch.
I find myself limp in your arms,
But still weightless because here,
I can forget the pain,
Even the pain you've caused.
I'm strong and my instinct is to fight.
In your arms,
My instincts fleet.
I am not an animal.
I am a woman.
The intimacy...it's real.
You do know me
And love me
And here, with our skin touching,
Felling your skin on mine...
I'm  scared I can't say good-bye.